Holy Heterodoxy

I dunno... is it wrong to call the sky blue? Is it wrong to call ice cold? Is it wrong to call Shih Tzus furry?  Cluster B personality disorders, by definition, involve distinct patterns of dysfunctional behavior that almost invariably affect other people. (The proposed Quiet Borderline subtype being the sole exception.) A hallmark of these disorders is a fragile ego, leading to criticism avoidance, hindering self-reflection, and thus preventing the desire to change one's own ways.  Of course people whose lives are built on evading accountability will tell you that it's mean for their victims to "stereotype," a.k.a. to share concepts and vocabulary that help identify harmful relationships. But I don't let abusers decide whether I'm allowed to talk about abuse, for the same reason I don't let my barber decide whether I need a haircut.

My whole life, I've been told I'm too sensitive and outspoken and need to let things go. Only in my twenties have I learned that honest, straightforward communication is an asset, not a flaw. Everyday conversations shouldn't feel like a battlefield. If you have to pick your battles, you're in an unhealthy relationship with someone who most likely has a fragile ego and is criticism-avoidant.  It's not normal to walk on eggshells around grown-ass adults. You and the other person should have a mutual understanding that you both mean well and are sincere, and you should also have the maturity to give and take constructive criticism. Therefore, you should be able to discuss any issue in the relationship, freely and openly, without being silenced. 

One thing I've never understood about narcissists is how they achieve anything at all, given their criticism avoidance and lack of self-reflection.  I've personally known narcissists who were doctors, nurses, teachers, engineers, counselors, religious leaders, business owners—all of which require massive amounts of education. Which requires the ability to incorporate feedback—the key ability that narcissists lack.  In the face of this Achilles heel, how do narcissists end up living in anything besides a cardboard box? I have a couple of theories.  First, narcissists are used to faking it till they make it. And the traditional educational environment is less complex than people think. Being able to memorize and repeat what your professor wants to hear is a different skill set than critically thinking about information and retaining it for life.  Second, many narcissists' endeavors do end in failure, because there are only so many corners you can cut before they start...

As a young person raised in a small-town narc nest, who recently moved to a large city, I've been looking for ways to filter narcissists out of my life so my next relationships don't end up like my last. Through trial and error (which I'll detail in upcoming blog posts), I've learned that online reviews are a narcissist's worst nightmare besides prison, and one of your best defenses against getting screwed.  It's important to do your own research, and I don't mean that in a tinfoil-hat kind of way. Real conspiracies tend to be far less enthralling than those portrayed in the media, but they can cause catastrophic damage nonetheless. And in the age of the Internet, there's no excuse to walk into a place of business uninformed. I recommend Google Maps as a place to start.  First, look at the business's overall rating—is it high, low, or somewhere in between? How many ratings are there? The more ratings, and the more recent they are, the more reliable t...

 

Recently, I finished reading  Boundaries  by Cloud and Townsend—or, rather, what I could stomach of it. The first few chapters are useful, illustrating the very real consequences of a life without boundaries. However, the quality goes downhill from there. The next few chapters are pretty rambly and keep trying to shoehorn Bible verses into places that really aren't relevant. There's so much Scripture that it seems more distracting than helpful. Also, on page 74 (at least that's the page in my edition), the authors recommend spanking as a form of child discipline. That was enough for me to stop reading. Overall, this book might be helpful for those who are wary of secular advice, but it's too conservative and preachy for me.